1) The tragic suicide of Aaron Swartz (Who I authored a Blog Post for In Honor and Memoriam);
2) The courageous leadership in Mental Health shown by Hennepin County Sheriff Rich Stanek;
3) My referral last week from one of the most well respected Forensic Psychiatrists in the State of Minnesota to the Center For Victims of Torture, for Intensive Healing and Rehabilitation;
4) The Report that came out today about the shameful abomination of the Epidemic of 339 suicides of OUR United States Military Veterans in 2012, largely from SEVERE PTSD; and finally,
5) My learning the tragic news tonight of the military psychologist who committed suicide in Mankato, I decided to publicly disclose extremely personal information regarding the effects of 15 years of being abused, assaulted, bullied, controlled, damaged, frightened, harassed, intimidated, maltreated, neglected, oppressed, persecuted, psychologically tortured, physically abused/assaulted, sexually abused/assaulted, terrorized and traumatized essentially at all times unrelenting for 10 years, and to a slightly lesser degree since my liberation from State Institutionalization for a "crime" I never committed in the first place. Unimaginable? Yes, Agreed. Welcome:
Sheriff Rich Stanek's TWO (2) articles that I saw and read were instrumental in my decision to come publicly forward and make this admission, largely in my beliefs, hopes and prayers that somehow by the Grace of Almighty God, my public admission will make it easier for even just one other person to feel empowered to ask for help.
I want other people struggling with Mental Health issues to know that I think it takes real courage to ask for help and I want to be as healthy as I possibly can in all aspects of life--Mental, Physical & Spiritual for my loved ones.
My strong Christian belief set compels my decision. I wish to be made whole again for me and my loved ones. They deserve me as healthy as possible and I'm committed (pardon the pun) to healing now, State Exoneration, State Admission of Guilt/Wrongdoing, State Apology and State Compensation/Damages.
Thank You Lord For Guiding My Steps & Protecting Me from the people I pray for everyday who hate me for no rational reason(s) Nor Justifiable Cause(s).
I hope that people who read my blog will share my story with others because most people have loved ones and/or friends who at times battle with various mental health issues.
I knew on the inside 15 years ago that the day coming very soon was coming and part of what kept me going was knowing I would speak publicly to youth about what happened to me, how it happened and why it happened to me. I don't want another innocent to suffer.
There is nothing abnormal about suffering from mental health issues. It is perfectly normal and it is okay to reach for help!
Statistics confirm many of us will have mental health issues every year.
It is okay.
We are all only human and the stresses of today are in many ways, unprecedented in recorded human history in my humble opinion.
I wish to emphasize here that at no time in my life have a ever seriously contemplated suicide myself. No matter how badly I was ever abused and tortured, my mindset was always to grin and bear it, secure in the knowledge that despite all that is put on me, more has been put on others, and that the Lord must have a pretty good reason this was my walk. Instead of thinking about killing myself to end the unbearable prolonged pain that the state was causing my loved ones and I to unjustly suffer, I would just think about more pleasant things and pray just that much harder, and force myself, if necessary to believe just a little bit more.
I also survived because of the support I had from my loved ones, cool guards at every single lockup the state had me in who got to know me and knew I didn't belong in prison (and told me so) and because I spent most of my time trying to help other innocent men I had identified in every single lockup the state ever had me in, with the possible exception of the MSOP. I have not yet, to date been able to confirm and prove any other innocent man the State has had on Hold or committed to the MSOP, but I have concerns about Brad Stevens' possible innocence.
Being the college educated cunning predator that the State of Minnesota is, I want to tell the world that the State has a shameful, abominable custom/practice of obtaining any/all mental records on their State Targets, and then twisting ANY REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE OF ANY KIND FOR ANY MENTAL HEALTH, SEXUAL HEALTH, ETC for the purpose of punishing the person seeking help by using that very reach for help against that person, to kill that person (as he used to exist) slowly one day at a time...for the rest of their lives. Barbaric, Insane, Insanely Expensive, Constant Valid Lawsuits: MSOP
As I shared with the compassionate lady who called me late this afternoon from the Center For Torture Victims, I developed extensive coping mechanisms and strategies early on during the brutal offensive the State launched on my literally from my my first morning in the Hennepin County Jail, to that last day 10 years later when I emerged from a Maximum Security--SuperMax "Hospital" (there is nothing remotely hospital about the MSOP), not to the hug and the elation of my reunion with my Dad (who waited 10 years for that moment)--no, it was the release a law enforcement agent, equipped with badge, handcuffs and a gun.
I want to relate something here to Sheriff Stanek, which is that I was in the trenches and on the front lines for 371 days in the HCADC, 9 years in MCF's: Lino Lakes, Moose Lake, Rush City, Saint Cloud, Stillwater, and finally our other SuperMax, Oak Park Heights, and I know firsthand that your leadership demonstrated in destigmatizing mental illness and telling the world that it is normal to experience mental health problems and that seeking help to address and remedy those problems is the way to go will save countless lives going forward.
For every life that you learn you saved, there will be 100, perhaps a 1000 or more even you will never know about, at least not in this life. Thanks again for helping give me to courage.
Here is a link to the Center For Victims of Torture (CVT) and info from their site re: Healing
Healing the Wounds of Torture
Physical reminders include headaches, chronic pain, hearing and vision loss or problems, dental pain, respiratory problems, sexual difficulties and neurological damage.
The psychological damage of torture is often worse.
Living with constant fear, debilitating depression and regular panic attacks prevent men and women from caring for themselves and their families and contributing to their communities.
But healing is possible.
We help survivors heal and rebuild their lives so torture is in their past and not something they have to re-live every day.
Our healing initiatives in Africa, the Middle East and Minnesota restore hope to survivors so that they can once again live healthy, productive and peaceful lives.